I’m a very ‘PRECIOUS’ Child Molestation Survivor

Interesting: Do you see that hand between her legs?

I am Stephanie L. Jones. I AM PRECIOUS: of great value, beloved, affectedly refined, priceless, rare, cherished and prized (Oxford University Press dictionary, 2008 edition). I am a child molestation survivor. I was molested by different men in my family from age 5 until I was 13 years old. I am Black. I grew up in poverty. I was a substance abuser and addicted to alcohol and drugs by 19 years old. I was a sexually promiscuous teenager and young adult. No one told me that I wasn’t supposed to be sleeping with grown men at age thirteen. How was I to know? Grown men sure seemed to like my young body. And guess what? Although it was child molestation, it sure felt good. How could I say no to sex at 13 when it was all that I knew? They'd put their hands between my legs for so long and so many times. Yet, some people want to call us fast little girls.

I was a straight-A student. I am intelligent. I am amazing. I was the first person in my family to attend a university. I am happily married (Oh wow, how I love thee my husband, my king). I am happy. I am a best-selling author. I am a sought-after speaker. I am a child of God with not enough breath in my body to speak of how blessed I am. I had a shopping addiction. I used clothes, fancy cars and jewelry to mask the pain. I was sexually dysfunctional (God bless my husband for loving me in spite of it). I was broken. I was hurting. I had very low self-esteem. I would eat, diet, eat, and diet.

I am a voice to the broken in heart and spirit. I am healed. I am free. I am love, loved and in love. My molesters? I'm not focused on them. What about me? Me? Me? Me? It’s my time to shine. I choose my today and my tomorrow. I’m not depending on any system or anybody to free me up. I am the “true story” tear-jerker that ends with some tangible improvements in the lives of impoverished (abused, molested, confused, stereotyped) children. (See Newsweek magazine movie review: The Problem With the movie Precious, Raina Kelly)

Molested? YOU LIE!

A recent email that I received from a parent questioning the validity of her child accusing her stepfather of an attempt to kiss her thighs, and of course the breaking of the McKenzie Phillips’ story, prompted me to write about this topic. As I began to write, I paused to think about the lies that I told my parents when I was a child (I wasn’t always saved). I lied about doing my homework. I lied about washing the dishes and mopping the floors just so I could go outside and play with my friends. I even lied about my health—forcing myself to cough and squeeze out tears on those days that I didn’t want to go to school. But never, not once, do I recall lying to maliciously hurt another person, particularly someone in my family. I don’t care how angry I was; it never happened.

Yet, time and time again children are accused of doing this very thing. They are accused of lying about being sexually abused. I’ve had many teenagers and adults tell me this. Unlike most victims, they revealed the secret of their sexual abuse early in life, only to have their parents accuse them of lying. Considering that very few victims ever find the courage to tell anyone about their experience, only 12% according to the American Psychological Association, I find this heartbreaking.

I never told my mother I was being molested—not as a child. I shared many things with her, but the thought of telling her about my family members and those close to me touching, rubbing, and violating my body never occurred to me. I was an adult when the words finally darted out of my mouth, piercing her like a thousand knives. Despite being a 29-year-old woman at the time, I can’t imagine what I would have felt like had she said, “Stephanie, you lie!”

So now, the question is, why? Why do parents and other family members do this? I asked my own mother, because not only was she molested, this very thing happened to her. My grandmother, an abuse victim herself, told my mother, “You lie!” As my mother and I discussed this issue I realized that many of the reasons we talked about were listed in my book, The Enemy Between My Legs. Therefore, I’ve decided to share an excerpt from my book that will hopefully educate you on this subject and convict any parent who’s ever been in this situation.

The Enemy Between My Legs (Pg. 71)
OTHER REASONS PARENTS DENY SEXUAL ABUSE
• FEAR: It is often the number one reason why people make many of the choices they do in life.
People fear their spouse or family member going to jail.
People are afraid of having their children removed from the home by the police or Child Protective Services.
People are afraid of being attacked and harmed by the abuser.
• LONELINESS: They don’t want the relationship or marriage to end.
• FINANCIAL SECURITY: Some parents fear the inability to financially provide for their children upon a possible divorce or separation.
• SELFISHNESS: Some people are self-centered. They only consider themselves and the consequences that telling would have on their lives.
• LACK OF KNOWLEDGE: They didn’t know that it was a crime. Most people, including sexual abuse victims, don’t even recognize or acknowledge that a crime has been committed against them or their children. Some victims believe that because the abuser was a family member, it doesn’t count as a crime.

Of course this is not to say that children don’t lie about being molested. However, it’s highly unlikely to happen. If your child comes to you and says that someone is touching them inappropriately, regardless of who the perpetrator may be, I’m asking you, no, I’m begging you to put aside your personal feelings and investigate the situation. You must take into consideration that sexual abuse victims oftentimes become sexually promiscuous (66% of teen pregnancies and abortions are preceded by sexual assault), are alcohol and drug abusers, have low self-esteem, and are more likely to commit crimes and become sexual abuse offenders (75% of rapists were sexually abused). In other words—the facts do not lie. Your child’s future is at stake.

Stephanie L. Jones, Speaker, Survivor and Sexual Abuse Victim Advocate & Author of The Enemy Between My Legs.

Copyright 2009, Stephanie L. Jones

On Keyshia Cole: Touched by 8 different people

Did you happen to catch last week’s episode of Keyshia Cole’s reality show, “The Way It Is?” I can hear some of you now, “Stephanie, I don’t watch reality TV.” Believe me, I understand! However, when my husband woke me up in the wee hours of the morning, 3:30 a.m. to be exact, telling me that I had to watch Keyshia’s show ‘right now,’ I turned over, grunted angrily at him, and tuned in as much as I possibly could.

"What do a female supposed to think when they already been touched by 8 different people and they already think, Oh well, I done been touched by this person, that person, that person, so it don't matter if I have sex?"
(Verbatim)

I never made it back to sleep. Within 2 minutes, I was sitting straight up, and by 3:37 a.m., I was pecking at full speed on my computer. Did this young girl just say what I thought she said, something that I have been trying to get people to understand for years now? Yes, she did!

Let me bring you up to speed just in case you didn’t see the show. Keyshia’s sister, Neffe, who during a previous episode mentioned that she’d been molested as a child, was speaking for a non-profit organization. During this particular visit she was addressing the issue of HIV, AIDS and sex with a group of teenage girls when one of them hit her with that question.

There was dead silence in the room. Faces drooped and dropped. No one said a word until finally one of the staff members spoke up and told Neffe that many of the girls had been molested and sexually abused. Neffe’s response, “Ooohh…” They went to a commercial break.

Sigh…

I could go in a thousand different directions with this, from talking about the link between child molestation and teenage pregnancy and abortion to sharing with you the conversation that I had with an older gentleman this week who told me flat out, “I was molested, but loved it!” I could really spark the fire with talking about the link between homosexuality and child molestation. And as I sit here pecking away at full speed even now, I’m thinking that I should push the envelope and discuss parental sexual abuse. What? A parent molesting their own child? Yes! I received an email this week from a young lady struggling to overcome years of sexual abuse she suffered at the hands and mouth of her mother. It happens every day. It’s happening somewhere right now.

But, I’ll stop here for now and just let you pause and think about the young lady’s question: "What do a female supposed to think when they already been touched by 8 different people and they already think, Oh well, I done been touched by this person, that person, that person, so it don't matter if I have sex?"

Please, don’t ever call another teenager “a fast little girl.”

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 8 of The Enemy Between My Legs
FAMILIES UNDER SIEGE –
CONSEQUENCES OF SEXUAL ABUSE

One year, while attending a fundraising dinner, I had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Robbie Haynes, Founder of the Women of Virtue Development Institute (WOVDI). Not long after we met, she phoned me to talk about her desire to help teenage girls, specifically in the area of teenage pregnancy. Here is a woman whom I barely knew, yet I found myself sharing my deepest secret with her. “If you want to cut down on teenage pregnancy, you must address the issue of child sexual abuse and molestation,” I told her. “No one could tell me not to have sex at 13 years old. I (Stephanie L. Jones) wanted to have sex. It was all that I knew. I had been taught about sex since I was kid, and I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to be a virgin,” I continued.

Be Encouraged… Be Inspired… and to all of those that have endured child molestation… be healed… Also, be sure to visit me at www.stephanieljones.com.

God Bless You!

The Secret Life of Child Molestation

There’s been a lot of buzz lately about the movie, The Secret Life of Bees. Chances are, you’ve seen it or at least you’ve seen the television commercials.
Without going into a lot of details about the movie, let’s just say that two of the characters are living life on the run and there’s a secret they don’t want to get out.

Wow! I can definitely relate to this movie. One summer years ago, I packed my bags and ran all the way to Durham, North Carolina. Why? Because there were some things going down in Detroit, Michigan that I didn’t want to get out. However, just like for the characters in this movie, my problems followed me everywhere that I went.

Now that I think about it, I could probably write a movie script myself based upon all of the secrets that I once kept and all the running that I did from my past. I know that I could write a movie from all of the letters, phone calls, and emails that I receive from people all over the world – sexual abuse victims – many of whom are on the run and keeping secrets about things that happened to them 10, 20, 30 and 40 years ago.

One of my friends, as I like to call those who reach out to me, recently ran all the way to Southern California. Another young lady that I met while traveling last month told me that she just had to leave the state of Georgia. It held too many bad memories for her. She didn’t know where she was going to go – but she was running somewhere.

Running and secrets...

Well, I decided that I had been running for far too long, and to be honest many of you have been too. People have been running, ducking, dodging, and avoiding dealing with some real serious issues in their lives… for far too long!

Well, it is time to stop running and keeping secrets!

I did a little research on bees and found out that there are thousands of known species of bees, but the actual number is unknown and perhaps much higher than recorded.

Well, just like the number of species of bees is unknown, so is the number of people that have been sexually abused. Some studies say that as many as 1 out 3 females and 1 out of 5 males are molested. However, because sexual abuse victims rarely report the abuse to anyone, the numbers could be higher, especially for males. Pause and think about that. One out of 3 females in your family. One out of 5 males in your workplace. One out 3 females on your block. One out 5 males in your church, in your school, in your neighborhood. One out of 5 males gathered together watching Monday night football. Wow. Selah (pause and think about that).

I also learned something else about bees. Although bee stings can be fatal, virtually all bee species are non-aggressive if they’re left undisturbed. I can’t help but to think about the life that I once lived; a life of drugs, alcohol abuse, low self-esteem and sexual promiscuity, and many other issues. I can’t help but to think about the fact that 96% of teen prostitutes are child molestation victims. I think about the fact that over 65% of teen pregnancies and abortions are preceded by sexual assault. I think about the link between sexual abuse and male violence, sexual dysfunction, failed marriages, alcohol and drug abuse, as well as many other issues that people struggle with daily. I think about these things and the fact that things could be very different for these individuals, if like the bees, they’d been left undisturbed.